What I Actually Said at Their Wedding

Right. Hello. I'm Nadia, I'm the sister, I'm the one who was told to keep it under five minutes so let's see how that goes. I want to tell you about the first time I met Sam. Because Farah tells this story wrong and it's my turn. It was a Tuesday. She'd been seeing him for six weeks and hadn't told anyone, which for Farah is like a normal person keeping a secret for six years. I came round to hers to borrow a suitcase and there was a man in her kitchen making an omelette. Not a nice omelette. A structurally unsound omelette. And he turned around with the pan in his hand and said, "You must be the sister. She said you'd be judging me. Go on then." And I did. Obviously. And the omelette was a three out of ten and I told him so, and he said, "Fair," and made another one. Which was a five. And I thought, alright. He can take a note. That's it, really. That's the whole speech. He can take a note. You'd be amazed how rare that is. I've watched my sister date some absolute weather systems over the years. Men who arrived with a lot of noise and left a lot of damage. And she'd ring me afterwards and I'd say the same thing every time, which is, "Was he kind to you when nobody was watching?" and there'd be a pause. And the pause was the answer. With Sam there's no pause. I asked her, two years ago, when we were walking back from Mum's, and she said, "Yeah," like I'd asked her if it was raining. Like it was just a fact about the sky. I do want to say one thing to Sam directly, if that's alright. Sam. She's going to reorganise your cupboards. She's going to do it when you're out and she's going to say she hasn't and you're going to find the cereal where the plates used to be. I've lived with it for thirty years. I have no advice. I just wanted you to know it wasn't personal.

And Farah. You said to me once, when we were teenagers, that you didn't think you'd ever be the marrying kind. You were quite proud of it. I think you'd been reading something. And I remember thinking, no, you're the loyal kind, you just haven't found anyone worth it yet. Well. He can take a note and he's kind when nobody's watching and his omelettes have got up to about a seven. So. Can everyone stand up, if you can. I've been told to say "please raise your glasses" but Dad's already drinking so let's just go. To Farah and Sam. Was that five minutes? Don't tell me.